Today on SEPTA….

Thursday, February 4, 1010 – Someone urinated on the bus.  I’m not sure exactly where. I just hope I wasn’t sitting in it.

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The Movie Goat Reviews: The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

In my return to posting on this site, many would expect that the first review I write would be for Avatar, the James Cameron 3D extravaganza which recently raked in its two billionth dollar after only 48 days in theaters.  To give you an idea, that figure is higher than the estimated total output of Afghanistan during that same period, and more than the entire population of Greenland produces in a year.

But while I saw Avatar, and enjoyed it, I’m not going to write about it because chances are you’ve all already seen it anyway.  Instead, I’m going to write about the latest Terry Gilliam movie, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.

For those of you unfamiliar with Gilliam, he got his start making the strange paper-cutout cartoons for Monty Python’s Flying Circus back in the 70s.  As the sole American on the team, he had limited time in front of the camera, instead splitting his time between writing sketches and producing the animations that linked them together.  After the Pythons split up, he went on to make a bunch of very strange movies that got high critical acclaim.  From Time Bandits to Brazil to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, he has always marched to the beat of his own drummer, and most of the time that drummer is on a unicycle wearing a ridiculous hat and beating the drum with a stale baguette and a lake trout instead of drumsticks.

But enough with analogies.

Parnassus is a movie about good and evil, possibly about God and Satan, a line the movie intentionally walks along instead of choosing one side or the other.  The two immortals are fighting for people’s souls, whom they either liberate (in the case of Parnassus) or tempt into enslavement (in the case of “Mr. Nick”).  Parnassus and Nick are old golfing buddies or something, and over the centuries, Nick has conned Parnassus into a variety of wagers, the most recent one for Parnassus’s own daughter.  Things get more interesting when the doctor finds Heath Ledger’s character, Tony, hanging from a noose tied off the middle of a bridge (he swallowed a small metal pipe prior to being hanged so as to keep himself alive)

Parnassus was Ledger’s last movie; he died during production and was replaced in several scenes by Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell.  I was wary of this swap-out at first, but it turns out they tweaked the story a little to make it actually work.  Ledger’s performance is great, as are the performances of all the actors brought on to play him in other scenes.

Out now in obscure theaters sort of near you

The movie sets a new standard for visual impressiveness in Gilliam’s movies, with Parnassus’s “Imaginarium” showing off some snazzy special effects and computer animation.  If Gilliam had this idea for years, I’m glad he waited until now to make it.  Time Bandits was great and all, but you wouldn’t be able to do the kinds of things he did here with the technology available in the 80s and 90s.

The story takes one strange turn after another, finally ending with a sequence as hopeful as it is confusing.  Oh, and Verne Troyer is in it too, turning in a great performance that takes him another step further from Austin Powers’ Mini-Me.

Now, for one reason or another, I forgot that this was a Gilliam movie before I went to see it.  I was very confused and ready to tell people that it was a movie with good acting and great special effects but a very strange plot.  Then I saw Terry Gilliam’s name flash up in the credits and it all clicked together.  Yes, it’s strange, but it’s Gilliam strange, and if you liked his other movies you will also love this one.

Bottom Line: There are so many reasons to see this movie.  It’s Gilliam’s first noteworthy movie since 1998’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  It’s Heath Ledger’s last movie ever, providing another glimpse into the disturbing roles that led him down his tragic path of self-destruction.  It’s got Christopher Plummer dressed like a homeless man, Verne Troyer dressed like a Monkey, and it’s probably got the best CGI special effects of any movie this year not considered science fiction.  You might need to look around a little to find a theater showing it, but it will be worth the trip.

Blizzard-Like Conditions Coming Your Way?

Alright Debbie Downer, turn that frown upside down and embrace the 20″ of snow coming your way this weekend.  Follow the steps below to have the best adult snow day ever:

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  1. Dig up and change into your favorite beat up sweats you sported pretty much every day back in college. (ew! but you know you did it).
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  2. Heat yourself a cup of hot chocolate (with a kiss of bourbon in it).
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  3. Curl up on the couch and con your significant other into watching something completely ridiculous, like Love Actually or Phantom of the Opera.aa
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  4. Call up your local Chinese take-out because you know they’re going to be the only assholes willing to deliver on this shiteous of all days.a
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If all else fails:

Stay warm and toasted with all your friends by throwing a Pigs-in-a-Blanket and Spiked Apple Cider Party!

THG Endorsed T-Shirt

We haven’t heard from our resident squirrel in quite some time now.  That just goes to show you that journalistic integrity means nothing for these furry little nut jobs! That said, THG has decided to endorse the following t-shirt:

Pick up your very own anti-squirrel paraphernalia by visiting: http://shop.froobi.com/Squirrel-t-shirt_p_40898.html#

You messed with the wrong goat, squirrel.

Today at the SSA…(in the SEPTA Building…)

Wednesday, February 2, 2010 - Today at the Social Security Administration office, which is located coincidentally in the SEPTA building (so it would be just as ghetto as being on the bus), a woman was rattling off to her friend and a gun toting imbecile security officer about Al Qaeda.  Her profound insight on life, sex and black men led her to the conclusion that the man who attempted to blow up Northwest Flight 253 on Christmas Day, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, was strong armed by Al Qaeda.

A black man would never stuff a bomb near his junk.  Maybe in his back pocket or his shoe.  Not near his stuff…it’s too precious with it goin’ all the way to east jabib and shi’.  I tell ya, he was set up by Al Qaeda…

Punxsutawney FAIL; Philadelphia Phil Gives Hope

Earlier today, all eyes were on America’s most frightened groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, who saw his shadow for the 99th time and scurried back into his hole — leaving us with another six more weeks of  winter ahead.

As a time honored tradition here at THG, we also look to our very own Philz for his thoughts on when we’ll be seeing warmer days:

Well, it’s cloudy today, so I walked outside and didn’t see my shadow, but I forgot my cell phone, so I went back inside.
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So we’ll call it an even split and say 4 more weeks of winter with a decent early March in the high 50s.

Furry and not so furry predictors of weather, Punxsutawny Phil (L) and THG staff member, PhilZ (R).

Today on SEPTA…

Thursday, December 17, 2009 – A middle-aged man kept referring to his wife as stingy while conversing with the bus driver. I started feeling bad for the guy because it seemed like he’s in an unhappy marriage.  And that’s when I heard…

…so that’s why we get along so well.  She keeps the spending in check and knows how to save money.

Then my heart broke for him for an entirely different reason — he’s just that dumb.  The correct word was frugal, sir.  Your wife is frugal, not stingy.

Free Wi-Fi at McDonald’s in 2010

Free wi-fi at McD’s? Am I the only one who thinks that nothing good can come of this?

Imagine your(smartphone-less)self needing to send a very important email.  Just when you’re about to break down and pay the $3.99 for two hours of Internet service at Starbucks, you spot those glorious golden arches and remember that they now offer FREE WI-FI! You’re day just got exponentially better and you have McD’s to thank.  You are indebted to them.  You order a #1 to show your gratitude.  Classic.

In no time at all, you find that McDonald’s has become your favorite spot for free Internet.  After an order of small fries here, an apple pie there, you get annoyed with your pants…your PANTS, but NEVER McDonald’s.  After all, THEY are providing you with free access to the ‘net, not your pants.  OK Kevin Federline, we see where your priorities are at.

Again, nothing good can come of this.

The Illusion of Power

Normally, I have reservations about joining random facebook groups.

Each day, it seems, my facebook inbox is bombarded with messages claiming that “I bet I can find 4000 people to join this group” or, “If 10,000 people join this group, the Israel/Palestine Conflict will be resolved”.

This is not to say that I am popular.  Far to the contrary, this is to say that the vast majority of my facebook friends are either stupid or under the influence of some manner of computer virus.

Anyway, one of these such groups has now caught my eye.  The goal is, I can assure you, quite attainable (they only need 100 or so more members) and the outcome is more or less assured, given the right circumstances.

This is Caspar:

Hi, Caspar. That's a nice looking ice cream cone.

He is a friend of a friend whom I have never met.  You may notice that in the above picture he has hair.  If the below-linked group reaches 1000 members (or so claim the proprietors of said group), Caspar will shave his head.

Now, because I only count for 1/3 of the membership of this particular “weblog”, I can’t count this story as an official Happy Goat endorsement of this action.  The views expressed in this post are not (necessarily) the views of Norak and Kevo, my partners in this enterprise.

But look at this picture, and ask yourself: “Can I live in a world where this individual does not shave his head for the most ludicrous of reasons?”

I leave this question on your conscience.

Cast your vote and join the group.

Editor’s Note: Norak has met this individual and is wholeheartedly against shearing off his locks, for “love” or any other reason noted.

Today On SEPTA…

Now that I have relocated to a home that is past the 10-minute mark that I am willing to walk to work, the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority, otherwise known as SEPTA, is my unfortunate preferred method of transportation.  I am overwhelmed with fear optimism and a peace of mind that as I get on that bus each day with the rest of the clean, respectful, wonderful residents of Philadelphia, I will get to my destination safely.  And it is exactly this optimism, this enthusiasm I have for public transportation, that has led me to create a new section on THG appropriately titled,  Today on Septa…enjoy.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009 –
Today on SEPTA , a 200 year-old woman got on the bus with Saks and Bloomies bags in tow.  The large bus was otherwise empty.  However, she felt that it would make the most sense to put her bags right next to me and continue to stand and stare at me until I realized she was expecting me to move – which I did out of my respect for all things vintage.